总结了几个伍迪·艾伦写段子的套路

伍迪·艾伦

WOODY ALLEN

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【 散文代表作 】

无羽无毛 | 扯平 | 副作用 | 乱象丛生

现如今，大概没人会质疑伍迪·艾伦段子界一哥的地位，但这催生了一种现象，就是不论致敬也好，模仿也罢，伪伍氏段子手特别多。这些段子手中比较幸运的被出版社相中出了书，于是这又催生了另一种现象——书封最显眼位置展示的并不是书名或作者名，而是一句宣传语：比伍迪·艾伦更好看。

段子界的确不乏让人眼前一亮的天才后辈，但看上几篇他们的文章就会发现，这样的比较其实没什么实际意义，于任何一方也都不太公平。最重要的原因是，伍迪老头极具个人风格的喜剧灵感，文字韵律，和虽然在骂你但不会让你觉得自己被冒犯的分寸感，只能是与生俱来的本事，其他人再怎么刻意训练也只能是依样描个皮毛。伍迪老头说看不到任何年轻电影人受到了自己作品的影响，大概跟这也有关系——手艺是可以学的，但支撑这门手艺的精神，谁轻易偷的来呢？

最近在重读伍迪老头的段子集。享受之余发现，他那些百读不厌的短篇和让人拍案叫绝的句子，并不是「随随便便」写出来的，它们其实有套路，也就是刚刚提到的手艺。所以干脆把自己粗浅的总结发上来跟大伙分享，也许对将来会有点帮助呢。

混搭

把抽象的和特别具体的，精神的和特别世俗的，或者八杆子打不着的东西放在一起，用「意想不到」制造搞笑的效果

死神：你听着，我需要这钱。

Listen, I need that money.

纳特：你要钱干什么用？

Why should you need money?

死神：你什么意思？你要到那边去了。（注：就是要死了）

What are you talking about? You're going to the Beyond.

纳特：怎么样？

So?

死神：怎么样——你知道那有多远？

So-- you know how far that is?

纳特：那又怎样？

So?

死神：加油的钱呢？过路费的钱呢？

So where's gas? Where's tolls?

纳特：原来我们是开车去！

We're going by car!

图 |《爱与死》剧照

文 |《死神驾到》

简而言之，这个问题是：鉴于我的腰围和服装尺码，又怎能在有限的世界上找到意义？

Put in its simplest form, the problem is: How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world given my waist and shirt size?

图 |《安妮·霍尔》片场照

文 |《毕业典礼致辞》

拆

光会合不行，好的段子手还得会拆，尤其是把简单粗暴或者看似毫无意义的分类法用到特别抽象的事物上

发动一场革命需要两个条件：革命的对象以及挺身而出发动革命的人。衣装通常比较随便，双方可以灵活掌握时间和地点，但是，如有一方未能参加，整个革命大业便可能付之东流。

In perpetrating a revolution, there are two requirements: someone or something to revolt against and someone to actually show up and do the revolting. Dress is usually casual and both parties may be flexible about time and place but if either faction fails to attend, the whole enterprise is likely to come off badly.

图 |《香蕉》剧照

文 |《非暴力不合作小指南》

人类在历史上，从未遇到像现在这样的艰难抉择。一条路通向绝望和无望，另一条路通往彻底毁灭。让我们祈祷上天赐予我们智慧，能够选择正确道路。

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter holeplessness. The other, to total distinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

图 |《傻瓜大闹科学城》剧照

文 |《毕业典礼致辞》

同义替换

这个看似简单，但跟咱们高考前老做的那个同义词选择题真的很不一样，难就难在怎么用同义的词、句、段营造雅痞的感觉

在美国，有组织犯罪每年有四百亿美元的收入，这已不是秘密。这可是一大笔进项，当你考虑到的办公花费很少时，就更是如此了。

It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.

图 |《傻瓜入狱记》剧照

文 |《初探》

摆弄数字

老头也可以很科学严谨实事求是，只是每当他这样的时候，我们总忍不住嚷一句「你神经病啊」

当时，毕加索刚开始人们后来所称的「蓝色时期」，不过，格特鲁德和我跟他喝咖啡，致使这个时期的开始晚了十分钟。「蓝色时期」持续了四年，所以说，这十分钟倒也不算什么。

Picasso was then beginning on what was later to be known as his "blue period," but Gertrude Stein and I had coffee with him, and so he began it ten minutes later. It lasted four years, so then ten minutes did not really mean much.

图 |《午夜巴黎》剧照

文 |《回忆二十年代》

天文学家谈起无人居住（注：根据原文，似译为有人居住更加贴切）的行星奎姆，这颗行星离地球如此遥远，人若想抵达，以光速飞行，将用六百万年的时间；虽然天文学家在计划一个新的快速通道，把旅程缩短两个小时。

Astronomers talk of an inhabited planet named Quelm, so distant from earth tht a man travelling at the speed of light would take six million years to get there, although they are planning a new express route that will cut two hours off the trip.

图 | Arnold Newman

文 |《神话与灵兽》

乱入

老头在电影里也经常这么干，比如大家都很熟悉的《安妮·霍尔》《午夜巴黎》

随后几年，我同斯科特（菲茨杰拉德）越来越近。我们大多数朋友认为，斯科特最新小说的主人公就是以我为原型，而我的生活又以他的前一部小说为模板；最后，我被小说中的一个人物告上了法庭。

I became increasingly friendly with Scott in the next few years, and most of our friends believed that he based the protagonist of his latest novel on me and that I had based my life on his previous novel and I finally wound up getting sued by a fictional character.

图 |《午夜巴黎》剧照

文 |《回忆二十年代》

库格尔马斯不见了。此时，他出现在永镇查理·包法利和爱玛·包法利家的卧室。他面前站着一位美貌女子，背朝他在整理床单。我简直不敢相信，库格尔马斯心想，紧盯着医生家倾国倾城的夫人。这太不可思议了。我到了这，真的是她。

爱玛转过身，吃了一惊。「啊，你吓我一跳，」她说，「你是谁？」她说的正是简装本中的英文译文...（库格尔马斯）的心幸福地跳动。我恋爱了，他想。他心中藏着个奇妙的秘密。可他并不知道，正在此时，全国各个学校教室里的学生都在问老师：「第一百页的这个人物是谁？怎么有个秃顶犹太人在吻包法利夫人？」

Kugelmass was gone. At the same moment, he appeared in the bedroom of Charles and Emma Bovary's house at Yonville. Before him was a beautiful woman, standing alone with her back  turned to him as she folded some linen. I can't believe this, thought Kugelmass, staring at the doctor's ravishing wife. This is uncanny. I'm here. It's her.

Emma turned in surprise. "Goodness, you startled me," she said. "Who are you?" She spoke in the same fine English translation as the paperback...His (Kugelmass's) heart danced on point. I am in love, he thought, I am the possessor of a wonderful secret. What he didn't realize was that at this very moment students in various classrooms across the country were saying to their teachers, "Who is this character on page 100? A bald Jew is kissing Madame Bovary?"

图 |《独家新闻》剧照

文 |《库格尔马斯的神奇经历》

不可能之事

又叫「无中生有」「没事找事」「就你话多」「你不要搞事情」等

“孩子们怎么样，哈里雅特？”

"How are the kids, Harriet?"

“我们从来没有孩子，艾萨克。”

"We never had any kids, Ike."

“所以我觉得每星期四百块的子女抚养费太多了。”

"That's why I thought four hundred dollars a week was a lot for child support."

图 |《曼哈顿》剧照

文 |《维恩斯坦》